


Dragon Slaying 101

by Go_Fic_Yourself



Series: Clint Centric ALL CAPS THOR VERSE [4]
Category: Avengers, Marvel
Genre: Balistraria, Crack, Dragons, Gossip, Language, M/M, Not An Orgy, Sex Talk, embarassment (so much embarrassment), there will never be an orgy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2018-04-12 00:49:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4458977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Go_Fic_Yourself/pseuds/Go_Fic_Yourself
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the future is not what Steve was promised.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dragon Slaying 101

Flying cars. 

Steve had been promised flying cars in the future.

Not this. 

Not dragons and Definitely dragons over Central Park. 

Not him, shield on his arm, at Belvedere Castle, blocking spurts of flame and wishing (not for the first time) that his weapon wasn't also his only line of defense. 

Thor was completely at home, of course, which was unbelievably unfair. 

Clint had a sort of dazed look as he stood in position at the arrowslits (balistraria, Clint had corrected unhelpfully), on the tower. No doubt living out some childhood dream in his head.

Tony was laughing manically over the comms, apparently this was what finally made him snap. 

He couldn't blame the guy.

Because dragons.

Natasha was evacuating civilians from the area and Banner was keeping calm and carrying on with her. 

And Bucky, he looked around before finally finding him, Bucky was up on the battlements, his arm glinting like armor in the sun.

Of course he was. 

Steve finally managed to land a blow, slamming his shield into one of the dragon's orange eyes when it lunged forward to take a bite out of him. It shook its head and took back to the sky, circling before laying down more fire in his direction.

A short lived victory.

Over his earpiece he heard Tony's giggles break long enough for him to say, "Have we considered the virgin sacrifice option? Steve, give it a try!"

Oh. No.

The comms cracked for a second before Bucky's voice came on. "What are you going on about, Stark?"

No. No. No.

"It's just a suggestion, but I figure it's worth a shot, and Steve's the only one here that's pure of mind, body and heart."

Bucky made a noise like he'd been stabbed. Steve flicked his eyes up and in that split second he realized that Bucky was struggling not to laugh.

Nope. No thank you. No.

"Stark, that's adorable." He finally managed.

Please no.

"What's adorable?" Tony shot back, yelling over repulsor fire. 

"That you think Steve has any chance of wearing white on his wedding day. You're about 80 years too late for that one."

"What? No way! Who got Cap to give up that national treasure?"

No no no no no.

"You're talking to 'im." 

A strangled noise came over the comms, followed the the crunch of metal on wood in their ears. One of the dragons had tail whipped Tony into a large tree. "I'm ok." He wheezed. "From the dragon at least. What the hell, Barnes? Warn a guy." 

Bucky was chuckling.

Uh-uh. Nope. Don't to it....

"Coulda been worse, Stark. Coulda told you how I already had him twice this morning."

Steve felt like every visible inch of him was blushing, as well as the covered ones.

There was silence on the comms and it seemed for a moment that even the dragons were quiet, or perhaps time was dragging slower from the weight of his embarrassment.

Then Thor's booming laugh carried from his position across the pond.

Oh fuck no. Language, Steve. No no, please no.

Because whenever Thor got that laugh it meant bad news. Either a plan that ended messy or a declaration that he thought was helpful and turned out to be anything but.

"FRIENDS! I DID NOT KNOW THIS WAS A CUSTOM WE SHARED!"

That was not at all good.

Tony, no doubt looking for anything else to talk about, jumped in. "What custom?"

"THE EXCHANGING OF PLEASURE WITH COMRADES IN ARMS. PRAY, MAY I ATTEND THE CELEBRATION AFTER WE SLAY THESE FOUL WRYMS?" 

Thor was going to show up naked in his rooms at some point. Steve just knew it.

He flicked his eyes up to check on Bucky, who had been quiet for too long surrounded by all this easy ammunition. Turns out he had made a tactical retreat to compose himself and was leaning against a wall, shaking with silent laughter as the dragons circled overhead. 

"Thor, there's no celebration after the battle." Steve tried.

"THEN I HUMBLY OFFER TO HOST THE ORGY."

"There is no orgy, Thor."

He cannot believe he just said 'orgy' to his teammates.

"I AM ALSO AMENABLE TO A SMALLER GATHERING, IF THAT IS WHAT YOU DESIRE." 

Steve felt like his ears were going to burst into flame at any moment.

Bucky roared with laughter and Steve shot him a glare before turning his attention back to the dragons, who were still weaving between each other, frustrated by their inability to eat the Avengers below them. Steve was beginning to wish they would.

"Thor, cultural misunderstanding. We'll talk about it later, ok?" 

The phrase came up enough that Thor responded immediately. "MY APOLOGIES, CAPTAIN. I SHALL AWAIT OUR DISCUSSION." 

Steve was looking forward to it with far less enthusiasm. 

Natasha's voice in his ear stopped him from needing to respond. "As much as I love this awkward sex talk, I thought I'd break in and let you boys know that the civilians are evacuated." 

He'd forgotten Natasha could hear them, and quickly stamped down on the thought that those were not things you said around a lady, because he had no doubt that Natasha would somehow know and kill him for it.

"Does that mean I can finally end this?" Clint said, speaking for the first time since they'd arrived.

Oh yeah, Clint was still here.

"What are you talking about, Hawkass?" Tony shot back, as if the archer hadn't been speaking English.

"I didn't want to risk crushing any civilians, but they're clear. Cap, can I take the shot?" 

Steve looked over to the arrowslits (balistraria) and saw Clint with an arrow already nocked and waiting. 

Sure, why not, medieval weapon for a medieval problem. He didn't have much hope that it would help, but it sure as hell couldn't hurt.

"Take the shot, Hawkeye." 

The first arrow left the bow and was followed by two more, each before the previous had hit its mark. Above them came an almost simultaneous cry from the three dragons as they thrashed, climbing momentarily higher and spasming before falling to the earth. One lay still, half in the pond, while the other two twitched for about thirty seconds, smoke pouring out of their gaping mouths before going as quiet as the first.

For all Tony had been shocked and horrified earlier, it was nothing compared to now. "What the shit did I just see?" 

"That would be Hawkeye taking out three dragons with three arrows while the rest of you gossiped about Captain Roger's sex life." Phil broke in. 

Oh god. Phil had been on this whole time? 

"You have to go through the belly and get the heart. That's like, dragon slaying 101." You could practically hear Clint preening over the line. "Hey boss, when did you get back?" 

"About an hour ago. Good work, Agent. I'll see you back at the tower after you debrief. Captain Rogers, Mr. Barnes and Stark, I'm signing you up to retake workplace harassment training."

"Yes sir." They all replied before Phil got off the line. 

"So can we gossip about Clint's sex life, and how he'll be getting a second debrief after we get back?" Bucky suggested, completely unfazed by Phil's censure.

Tony followed suit. "Nice try, but you can't gossip about something everyone already knows about. Besides, Clint's sex life is Agent's sex life and that's a thought that's too gross to joke about." 

Steve shuddered. He didn't need to know anything more than he already did about Clint and Phil's sex life (which was already more than he ever needed, having walked in on them a couple months back).

Clint made a contented humming sound over the line and Tony responded by pretending to throw up in his helmet.

Children. He was on a team of children.

"SO THERE IS TO BE NO ORGY TO CELEBRATE THE OUTCOME OF THIS GREAT BATTLE?"

"No, Thor. No orgy." Steve said, rubbing his temples.

"YOU MIDGARDIANS REMOVE ALL JOVIALITY FROM EXISTENCE." 

That's not what Bucky was saying this morning. Oh god, now he's doing it too.

"I know. Sorry about that." He tried for a conciliatory tone and failed.

"Can we get out of here now?" Clint prompted. "I just slayed three dragons and I've got some joviality waiting for me back at the tower." 

"Yeah, bring it in team. Good work everyone." As they headed towards the quinjet, Bruce and Natasha met up with them on the way. 

Natasha offered Bucky a subtle fist bump, which was returned and Bruce shook his head at their antics. 

On the flight back Bucky and Natasha sat close, heads bent together and talking in rapid fire Russian. Steve wasn't really listening, but then they switched suddenly to English and Bucky sounded shocked.

"They have a word for that now?!"

Natasha nodded in confirmation.

"STEVE!" Bucky shouted, too loud for the cramped space. "STEVE, DID YOU KNOW THEY HAVE A WORD FOR THAT THING YOU DO WITH YOUR TONGUE!?" 

Steve hid his burning face in his hands for the rest of the flight, desperately wishing that alcohol still did something to him.


End file.
